Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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