I wish I could teleport
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
