My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
