My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
