I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
