A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
