You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
