if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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