Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Randomize
