every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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