Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize