when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Help. Why am I so naked?
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