The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
