I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize