I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
