I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
