Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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