When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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