I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
