Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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