I haven't been this sober since birth.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
