Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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