So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
