So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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