You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
