I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
