I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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