Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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