grandma shit on top of the toilet
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
