you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
