My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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