I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
