You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
