i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
