I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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