my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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