I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
