She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
