if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She bit a glass in half.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
