dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Sorry my hands just texted you
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
