its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
