Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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