If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
