well I can't set my house on fire every night
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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