btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
