mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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