My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
