party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
