I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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