The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
