Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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