The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
