Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
